Saturday, November 23, 2013

The Secret

So, yesterday afternoon, I get a phone call from one of my oldest and most dearest friends who just happens to live an eternity away from me. (She's in Florida) We are discussing usual run of the mill issues in our lives, catching up, talking about family, lack thereof, craziness that life likes to hurdle at you, it seems at the worst times. 

I divulged to her how overwhelmed I feel lately in the state of affairs that circle my life. I've reached I believe my first crossroads of life that my decisions in my present state can really change my future either positively or negatively depending on what I choose. Being a Libra, this is more of a struggle than a lot of you may think. One of my worst qualities about myself is my severe indecisiveness. I've driven myself along with plenty of the people who are very close to me nuts with my "on the fence" kind of behavior. Especially when it comes to really important things. 

So, as I'm explaining these recent events to her, I find myself saying:

"I'm afraid of the future. I'm afraid of this, I don't want that, I don't need this." etc. etc.

She and I then get onto the subject of "The Secret."

About two weeks ago, another friend of mine who lives in Michigan recommended that I read this book called "The Secret," so naturally I found that it was odd that this book come up in this current conversation that I'm having with my best friend. 

"If you don't know what it is, you should read it. Watch the film too. It'll change how you think, it changed how I think about a lot of things." 

She then described to me an instance where she found the home she wanted when she was looking for a home to live in. 

"It was my home, I didn't care if a bid was already placed and the bank accepted it. That house was mine and I refused to look for another one. Sure enough about a week or two later, I got a phone call informing me that the bid originally placed fell through, I wanted that house and sure enough, I got it."

-The Law of Attraction-

You willed yourself to where you are today, so will yourself out of it.

Seems simple enough. Does it not?
I watched the documentary but decided to pass on the book for now. 

However, I decided to apply this Law of Attraction to small things in my life for the past day and here is what I found. 

It works. 

I visualized what I was grateful for, instead of worrying about what the future holds.

I sang all day in the car today and no matter how much other drivers pissed me off, I kept a cool head.
I accidentally realized that I packed my can opener and usually my old self would be like 'WTF I PACKED IT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WTF WTF WTF.' I decided to rummage through an open box and I kept repeating myself in my mind... "I know you're in here, quit hiding." Sure enough, I found it. I received a piece of mail today that 2 days ago, I was dreading. However, last night I kept thinking to myself:

"All I need to know is, whatever comes I'll handle it, it's not going to be anything bad."

Sure as shit right, it wasn't. 

I've programmed myself to such a disgusting limit, that I was always obsessing over the negatives, expecting negative, therefore I was sending out that nasty vibe. It's literally embedded into my brain because of all the shit I've dealt with in the past 5 years. What has made this situation even worse, is that I've enabled everyone around me to take advantage of me in some way, shape or form. 

No more. 

I WANT to trust "The Universe." 

A very good friend of mine has always told me to. I tried listening to him, but I've always failed. However, after seeing what I saw yesterday, and just applying it to the little things, I think I might be able to overcome it this time. 

I'm sick of living in the past.

I'm sick of paying for my parents mistakes.
I'm sick of being sick.
I'm sick of being worried and anxious all the time. 

Whatever will be, will be. But I REFUSE to bring any more negativity to myself, because it's choking my life out of me and I'm losing my soul, I'm losing my ground and I'm losing myself. 

I'm going to fight back, even if it kills me. 

Thank you Heide. I love you. As usual, with out you even realizing it, you are always there to remind me of how I used to be, although I do miss that girl and I know that girl has now matured into a woman, I don't want to be her anymore. I don't want to be this person I am now anymore. 

I want to be me. I want to be free. I will be.

Monday, July 22, 2013


Apparently my blog has been viewed recently 15 times from someone in Russia. 

Здравствуйте и добро пожаловать!

Anywho, lol. I don't know if they can read these or not but I suppose it matters not. 

What matters is a few things actually. 

I've refrained from writing about my personal life because of the simple fact that at the moment, it's really pointless as I write my own journal every night so I've mainly focused this blog on world events and what my reactions are to them. 

Current News:

Dennis Farina (Played Detective Joe Fontana on Law and Order) passed away today at the age of 69. Apparently this sad news wasn't as exciting as that cast member of "Glee" who died of a drug overdose. In any event, I'll miss you Detective Fontana. I especially loved Mr. Farina in Snatch. If you've never watched that movie, I would highly recommend it. It's a great flick. Farina was also a Chicago native, which is another real good reason why I really liked the guy. I'm always pulling for the home boys. RIP Mr. Farina. 

Dennis Farina Dies at age 69

I would also like to share with the interwebs a very interesting video that I came across this morning when I was surfing around youtube. I've been following the works of "Anonymous" ever since they kind of teamed up with the Occupy movement and apparently there's supposed to be this huge demonstration at The White House on November 5th. Which is ironically Guy Fawkes Night or "Bonfire Night" for our friends in the United Kingdom. 

For those of you who are unfamiliar with Guy Fawkes, I'd suggest watching the movie "V for Vendetta" but if you're feeling lazy, here's the short version thanks to wiki

Guy Fawkes Night

I will be following this event closely to see what else these guys are up to. But before I go off on a huge tangent, I wanted to stick to my original message for today. On their youtube channel I found a video that I really didn't expect to see on their channel and it really has made me think hard today. 

In life, we always paint ourselves out to be the victims of the worst incidents. We always forget there's someone out there who have it 100 times worse than we do. I, myself, have been a victim of this lately as well. I've been trying so hard to turn it all around and be more positive about my life and my situation to no avail. Until TODAY when I saw this video. 

Tonight, I share it with all of you. 
Tonight, I will lay in my bed and be thankful for what my life is.
I will also be thankful for just being here and breathing.
I will be praying I wake up tomorrow and continuing to breathe, most importantly, live.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Turn off the TV.

I posted a facebook post a few days ago:

You know. I got sick of the Zimmerman posts days ago. Fact of the matter is, no one knows what really happened that night except the two men involved. I really do wish that people would recognize that the media blows this shit up for a reason and it's usually to conceal other doings going on in the background that they don't want the public to notice. Mark my words, whatever that was missed by the general public will come to light soon enough. People die all around the world every day. I'm not excusing what the man did, but people fail to realize if Trayvon Martin didn't go where he wasn't supposed to, he'd still be alive today. That kid had NO
business being where he was. That's what people fail to realize.

You know, as the days progressed, I could see the gamut of posts upon posts from friends on facebook having mixed reactions and opinions regarding this case and it really has given me the ammunition to come to a sound conclusion:

We are doomed. Humanity is officially doomed. Forever.

I watched a movie with my husband a couple of weeks ago called "Idiocracy" I don't want to recommend this movie to anyone because I feel it was the worst 90 minutes of my life. Not for the bad acting or the fact that the movie just totally sucked, but because of the truth of it all.

Our Government 500 years into the future was ran by an ex wrestler that had a drinking problem and dressed like a pimp. Starbucks gave out hand jobs.  Gatorade replaced water. As a matter of fact, Gatorade was the only thing you could drink.  People ate cheese, LIQUID cheese out of huge 1 gallon buckets with their HANDS. The health care system was completely ran by machines and in order to decipher a diagnosis, you had to touch buttons to tell the computer what was wrong.

How far off are we from a society like this? Not far at all, think about it. 

People couldn't even think for themselves. They didn't even realize that watering crops produced FOOD. Basic common sense flew right out of that window at warp speed. 

Every time you turn on that idiot box (the tv) you have mass media feeding your brain with this garbage. It makes you dumb. 500 years into the future, televisions were EVERYWHERE, televising the same shit you'd see today, like "Keeping up with the Kardashians" or "Jersey Shore" just to name a few. The Zimmerman/Martin trial was the same fucking shit, a very bad re-en action of a horribly portrayed reality tv show. The public ate it up. The media even went as far as to claim that if a non guilty verdict was made in regards to this trial, that black people were going to riot and kill white people. 

ZIMMERMAN IS HISPANIC! Are you kidding me right now?

I didn't follow this trial, if not only at the end for the verdict, out of sheer curiosity and much to what I had assumed, he was found "not guilty."

Guess what? NO RIOTS. No white people killed either that I know of.
This guy killed this kid in SELF DEFENSE. Was he right in his decision? Don't know. Did he kill him because he felt like it? I doubt that. There was a history of repeated criminal activity on the grounds prior to this event. A 17 year old kid has NO business being on the grounds at that time of night, PERIOD. Especially if he doesn't LIVE there. 

What really bakes my noodle is the following:

If Martin killed Zimmerman would the trial be televised?
I do not think so. Why? Because who would follow a trial about a black kid killing someone? No one cares about that shit. No one gives a damn that in the poorer parts of cities and towns that black kids kill other black kids every fucking day in gang shootings. Does that shit ever make the news? No. Only when an innocent gets accidentally hit by the stray bullets. No one gives a fuck about these kids. Not even their parents, because if they did, their asses wouldn't BE OUT THAT LATE at night TRESPASSING. 

I find it highly coincidental that they decide to televise this trial, yet totally ignore this one:

Bradley Manning

Manning was charged on July 5, 2010, with violations of Articles 92 and 134 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice, which were alleged to have taken place between November 19, 2009, and May 27, 2010.[6] These were replaced on March 1, 2011, with 22 charges, including aiding the enemy, wrongfully causing intelligence to be published on the Internet knowing that it was accessible to the enemy, theft of public property or records, and transmitting defense information. The most serious of the charges is aiding the enemy, for which Manning could face life imprisonment

Funny how our world works. We care SO much about one black kid who was roaming around doing God knows what and a Mexican man who took his life for whatever reason unknown to the public, yet, something like this the media doesn't even touch base on.

DON'T YOU think there's a HUGE problem with that? I do.

Turn off your TV. It's rotting your brain.


I would like to reiterate and amend my last statement about the riots. Apparently there is rioting going on, in Houston. This video is very disgusting and terrible to watch. Caution, it's disturbing.

Friday, June 21, 2013


I have contemplated about revamping this for quite some time, but words have always seemed to fail me. So much has changed since my last post, and as I looked back on all of them, I saw the apparent struggle within myself to keep going. As this struggle continues, I further push forward in an effort to keep strong. 

 Even though, everything inside of me is telling me to give up. So, here I am yet again to see if I can attempt to write something intellectual, inspiring and something to help other people think. Something that I do not want to turn into a personal diary online, but, more so, a story book that will be based off mostly real life facts. I welcome you to the next chapter of my writings:

"Living in The Now: survivalism."

Who knew over an entire year later, I'd be right back here, still trying to accomplish to live life according to the name of my blog. Failing miserably, I might add. I have no clue how often I'll post, or if I will even post at all after this point, but you never can tell. I failed my 101 Challenge, failed the 52 week photo challenge as well. Seeing as how I've deleted all of my posts up until this point, I will briefly elaborate why all of that fell apart. Slowly, I've been sinking into a deep dark place ever since I lost my Mother. 

Creating this blog initially was to help me get over the death of my Father in 2008 from Lung Cancer. If only I knew just a short 3 and a half years later, I'd lose the closest and most important person in my life. I can't even begin to explain everything that has happened since last year, I don't even want to. Nothing good enough has happened for me to even attempt to talk about it. All I can say is that, I'm stumbling in trying to find my way to happiness and feeling whole. 

I know it's going to be a rough road ahead of me, but I do think that my gifts are my words. I've always had a better time expressing myself through writing. I find it easier to write things down and have them be read, than verbally getting my point across. It's always been this way for as long as I can remember. I think in a lot of ways, I take after my Grandmother, (my Dad's Mom) because I found this letter once, when I was cleaning out her room after both her and my Father passed away. It was to some financial company that had overcharged her for something. I never read such an amazingly hateful letter, yet so polite! I realized then, that I too at times had a knack for eloquently getting my point across to people without having to curse or overuse certain words that would make me sound brash. 

With that being said, I DO LOVE to do a lashing of the hands and swear my ass off when I'm offended or pissed off about something, so there's your disclaimer about that. I know how to properly articulate myself, but there will be times that I will use obscenities to get that point across. Not everything you read in this blog will be related to my life all the time. I would actually like to avoid that if I can. I'd rather use this as a tool, again, to educate the masses and share my views of the current state of our world. No, I don't have a Journalism degree. No, I didn't even finish college. I probably have no right to even voice an opinion on most things, based on what "society" would deem acceptable. But, the beautiful thing about the internet is, I can say whatever the fuck I want and hide behind a computer screen. SO TAKE THAT "society!" Special thanks to a person that told me they read my old stuff and said it was interesting. Let's see what else I can come up with that's 'interesting.' More later.