So, yesterday afternoon, I get a phone call from one of my oldest and most dearest friends who just happens to live an eternity away from me. (She's in Florida) We are discussing usual run of the mill issues in our lives, catching up, talking about family, lack thereof, craziness that life likes to hurdle at you, it seems at the worst times.
I divulged to her how overwhelmed I feel lately in the state of affairs that circle my life. I've reached I believe my first crossroads of life that my decisions in my present state can really change my future either positively or negatively depending on what I choose. Being a Libra, this is more of a struggle than a lot of you may think. One of my worst qualities about myself is my severe indecisiveness. I've driven myself along with plenty of the people who are very close to me nuts with my "on the fence" kind of behavior. Especially when it comes to really important things.
So, as I'm explaining these recent events to her, I find myself saying:
"I'm afraid of the future. I'm afraid of this, I don't want that, I don't need this." etc. etc.
She and I then get onto the subject of "The Secret."
About two weeks ago, another friend of mine who lives in Michigan recommended that I read this book called "The Secret," so naturally I found that it was odd that this book come up in this current conversation that I'm having with my best friend.
"If you don't know what it is, you should read it. Watch the film too. It'll change how you think, it changed how I think about a lot of things."
She then described to me an instance where she found the home she wanted when she was looking for a home to live in.
"It was my home, I didn't care if a bid was already placed and the bank accepted it. That house was mine and I refused to look for another one. Sure enough about a week or two later, I got a phone call informing me that the bid originally placed fell through, I wanted that house and sure enough, I got it."
-The Law of Attraction-
You willed yourself to where you are today, so will yourself out of it.
Seems simple enough. Does it not?
I watched the documentary but decided to pass on the book for now.
However, I decided to apply this Law of Attraction to small things in my life for the past day and here is what I found.
I visualized what I was grateful for, instead of worrying about what the future holds.
I sang all day in the car today and no matter how much other drivers pissed me off, I kept a cool head.
I accidentally realized that I packed my can opener and usually my old self would be like 'WTF I PACKED IT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WTF WTF WTF.' I decided to rummage through an open box and I kept repeating myself in my mind... "I know you're in here, quit hiding." Sure enough, I found it. I received a piece of mail today that 2 days ago, I was dreading. However, last night I kept thinking to myself:
"All I need to know is, whatever comes I'll handle it, it's not going to be anything bad."
Sure as shit right, it wasn't.
I've programmed myself to such a disgusting limit, that I was always obsessing over the negatives, expecting negative, therefore I was sending out that nasty vibe. It's literally embedded into my brain because of all the shit I've dealt with in the past 5 years. What has made this situation even worse, is that I've enabled everyone around me to take advantage of me in some way, shape or form.
I WANT to trust "The Universe."
A very good friend of mine has always told me to. I tried listening to him, but I've always failed. However, after seeing what I saw yesterday, and just applying it to the little things, I think I might be able to overcome it this time.
I'm sick of living in the past.
I'm sick of paying for my parents mistakes.
I'm sick of being sick.
I'm sick of being worried and anxious all the time.
Whatever will be, will be. But I REFUSE to bring any more negativity to myself, because it's choking my life out of me and I'm losing my soul, I'm losing my ground and I'm losing myself.
I'm going to fight back, even if it kills me.
Thank you Heide. I love you. As usual, with out you even realizing it, you are always there to remind me of how I used to be, although I do miss that girl and I know that girl has now matured into a woman, I don't want to be her anymore. I don't want to be this person I am now anymore.
I want to be me. I want to be free. I will be.